Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Air Keyboard




Some friends dance around a bedroom.  They all play imaginary air instruments strumming along to the music.

Jack:  (looks at his friends and strikes a OTT rock pose)  Do you like my guitar? It’s a customised gibson flying v (2008 model) in cherry red.

Nick:  (looks on with awe) Ace man. That will go well with my........Les Paul Bass Guitar. 20 Frets and dot position markers.  And check out the colour (holds his hand aloft) pitch black with a silver lighting insignia. 

Paul: Well check these out (finger drumming in time to the musical beat) 1965 premier single-bass drum kit.  One of the first played by Keith Moon.  (opens his arms out) Check out the 14” hi-hats”

They all nod in approval.  They turn to their friend who is tapping his fingers on an air keyboard.

Jack: Wow is that a Yamaha?

Ian:  No it’s my Space keyboard.  

Nick: What make is that?

Ian:  It’s my own creation.  Hot off the production line. (proudly shows them) Look at the silver chrome underlay.

Confused the rest of the friends look at each other.

Ian:  One touch of the keys and Venus and Saturn align with each other thereby creating a supergroup planet of musical genius.

Paul:  Who’s ever heard of a space keyboard. 

Nick: That’s just ......stupid.  

Jack: For once Ian can you take this seriously.

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Viewing



Early evening.  A Kenyan couple walking around an English Cul De Sac. Mrs. Adoyo is looking through some papers with houses for sale on them.

Mrs. Adoyo: Number 52 here it is.

Mr. Adoyo rings the bell.  An older white woman answers the door.

Woman: NO RELIGION

Mr. Adoyo: Erm..We've come for the viewing

Woman: (stunned) The Body of Christ isn't here

Mr & Mrs Adoyo look at each other and then back to the woman.

Mrs Adoyo: (shows her a picture from her papers) Your house it's for sale isn't it.

Woman: NO

Mr Adoyo: But Kevin Sanderson from the estate agents arranged it.

Woman: KEVIN

Mr & Mrs Adoyo: Yes

Man's voice from inside the house: (hushed tones) It's their messenger Margaret?

Woman: I suppose Kevin wants us to burn in eternal hell.

Man's voice: What do you mean US?

Mr Adoyo: There's obviously been a mistake.  I'll phone Kevin

Woman:  Going to strike us down is he

Man's voice: (Shouting) HE'S NOT GOING TO STRIKE ME DOWN.  ERE. DID YOU KNOW WHEN MARGARET WAS AT SCHOOL SHE SOLD HER BIBLE TO MARY MCKENNA IN EXCHANGE FOR A BAG OF JELLY TOTS.

Mr and Mrs Adoyo look at Margaret

Angry she turns round and storms upstairs.  The sound of a slap can be heard.

Mr & Mrs Adoyo turn and walk away

Man's voice: OW.  TELL KEVIN SHE BEATS ME WITH THE NEW TESTAMENT ON A SUNDAY. 

Sunday, 29 April 2012

Purified Air



ACME CORPORATION INCORPORATED INC. THE 
CREATORS 
BEHIND 'THE OPENING OF AN ENVELOPE' INVITE YOU TO 
THE UK PRODUCT LAUNCH PARTY OF ACME’S ‘PURIFIED FRESH AIR’.
 THIS IS AN EXCLUSIVE VIP RED CARPET EVENT. OUR NEW BRAND OF 
LUXURY AIR CAPTURES THE FRESHEST AIR AVAILABLE, AND NOW IT 
IS YOURS TO KEEP.  FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY THIS BRAND WILL ALSO 
BE AVAILABLE IN A DOUBLE EXCLUSIVE, EXCLUSIVELY LIMITED-EDITION, 
LOUIS VUITTON SIGNATURE AIR THAT IS SO CLEAR THE EMBOSSED LOGO 
WILL BE INVISIBLE TO THE NAKED EYE, BUT WE 
CAN ASSURE YOU IF WE 
SAY IT’S LOUIS VUITTON IT IS, AND YOU’RE PROBABLY TOO STUP.... 
GUILLI.... EMBARR....POLITE TO QUESTION OUR MOTIVES.

THERE WILL BE AN OPEN BAR, AND ANOTHER EXCLUSIVE YOU GET TO 
TAKE HOME GOODY BAGS FILLED WITH EXCLUSIVE HOT AIR DESIGNED EXCLUSIVELY BY KANYE WEST.
SAMPLE THE AIR AROUND YOU IN OUR SECLUDED 
BOOTHS, AND BREATHE IN AN ATMOSPHERE 
UNLIKE NO OTHER.

FUTURE PRODUCT LAUNCHES TO BE HELD IN NEW YORK, TOKYO, 
AND HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA.  THE PURITY OF 
THE AIR MAY NOT BE 100% GUARANTEED. AIR QUALITY 
WILL POSSIBLY DROP TO 40%, AND THE 
OTHER 60% WILL BE PADDED OUT WITH POLLEN, 
ASH AND METHANE.

A PRODUCT THAT WILL LAST YOU A LIFETIME OR 
UNTIL YOUR DEATH. 


VENUE

GLAM-A-RAM A DING DONG MEMBERS CLUB
WARDOUR STREET
SOHO
LONDON W1
JUNE 23RD 10PM - 2AM

Saturday, 7 April 2012

Meow


The scene:
A quiet night in a tree lined suburb. In a kitchen a young man wearing a
 t-shirt and boxers feeds his cat. 

Cut to

A house five doors away.  A middle-aged man in stripy pyjamas and 
matching stripy nightcap is also feeding his cat.  

MIDDLE-AGED MAN:
(picks up cat and strokes her) Come here Ava. There’s a good girl. 
Night Night

Cut back to 

YOUNGER MAN:
(picks up cat tickling her chin) There’s a good girl eh. 

Simultaneously both men open the door to let out their cats. 

It is pitch black.  

MIDDLE-AGED MAN:
(to his departing cat) Meow Meow

YOUNGER MAN:
(starts to close the door but stops when he hears what he thinks is his cat)   Meow 


MIDDLE AGED MAN:
 (he also responds to the meow) Meow meow Meow

YOUNGER MAN:
(quite loudly) Meow Meow Meow

MIDDLE AGED MAN:
(very loudly) MEEOOOOOOWWW MEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW

YOUNGER MAN:
Meooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww

DISGRUNTLED NEIGHBOUR'S VOICE: 
Shutttt up.  (to his wife) Those bloody cats it’s the same every night.

WIFE:
Oh leave it Harold you’ll wake the neighbours. 

Sunday, 15 January 2012

The Alf Ippititimus 2012 Convention.



A HOTEL LOBBY.   

A BOARD DISPLAYS ‘THE ALF IPPITITIMUS CONVENTION 2012’ A GROUP OF CHINESE WOMEN IN THEIR MID THIRTIES ARE WALKING UP RED CARPETED STAIRS.  THEY WEAR FLAT CAPS AND GLASSES.  

WE FOLLOW THEM INTO THE HOTEL BAR.  AT THE BAR A BLACK LADY IS DRESSED IN FULL ALF IPPITITIMUS  COSTUME OF WIG, GLASSES, FLAT CAP, STRIPED SHIRT, DUNGAREES AND HOBNAIL BOOTS. SHE IS TALKING TO A TAWAINESE WOMAN WHO IS WEARING AN ALF WIG AND DRINKING A PINT OF TETLEY’S BITTER. 

NEARBY A GROUP OF YOUNG SWEDISH WOMEN CONVULSE AND TWITCH THEIR BODIES.  
Swedish Women
(gesticulating wildly)
Hmm Waaheeey

A GROUP OF BRITISH WOMEN ALSO START TO DO THE SAME.  

British Women
Geroffffffffffff  Phwaaaaaaay

BOTH GROUPS WEAR SPARKLY DRESSES BEARING THEIR COUNTRIES FLAG
BOTH GROUPS ARE WATCHED OVER BY A WOMAN IN A BROWN OVERCOAT.  SHE MAKES NOTES AND KEEPS SCORES ON A CLIPBOARD.  SHE CONFERS WITH ANOTHER LADY WHO ALSO APPEARS TO BE MAKING NOTES.    

A MIDDLE AGED BLONDE LADY WALKS INTO THE ROOM. SHE IS VERY EXCITED.  HER BLONDE HAIR IS STYLED AND CUT LIKE ALF IPPITITIMUS

Blonde Lady
Quiet everyone.  The Choir is here.

LADIES FROM THE SOWETO GOSPEL CHOIR ENTER THE BAR.  THEY HOLD PLACARDS AND BANNERS DISPLAYING ALF IPPITITIMUS’S IMAGE. THERE IS A HUSH IN THE ROOM AS THEY START TO SING A ZULU TRADITIONAL SONG THAT HAS BEEN MODIFIED FOR THE CONVENTION.

PEOPLE START TO SWAY ALONG TO THE SONG.
African Women
We travel across the countries 
Singing our song
We travel across the countries
Singing our song all nations love our songs
This is the song
Yes this is the song
Oh!  It is Alf Ippititimus 
Two Ipps, a pip and a titimus
Phwaay Wahey Gerrof
Oh it is Alf, Oh it is Alf, It’s Alf in my soul,
For I have touched the hem of his garment

THE AFRICAN WOMEN CONVULSE AND TWITCH THE ALF MANNERISMS AS THEY CONTINUE WITH THE SONG.

And his blood has made me whole
Mmmm Wahey Mmm Wahey Phwaay
I tried all that I could, seemed like nothing did me any good
Then I heard Alf, he was passing by, and I decided to give him a try
Wahey Phwaaay Gerroof
Wahey, mmmm, Wu-hey, Gerrof Phwaay
Gerrof hmmmm Phwaay
Hmmmm mmm ooop Phwaay
Wahey, Gerrof Phwaay
Ahh Hmm Waheeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Mmmmmmm

THE CHOIR FINISH TO HEARTY APPLAUSE. SOME OF THE CROWD HUG EACH OTHER WHILST OTHERS ARE CRYING SOFTLY.  BLONDE LADY GETS UP ON A PODUM TO TALK TO THE CROWD.  SHE IS QUITE EMOTIONAL.

Blonde Lady
That was......


A BEAUTIFUL PORTUGUESE WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A MISS WORLD ENTRANT HOLDS A LOVE HEART CUSHION WITH ALF’S PICTURE IN THE CENTRE.  SHE HANDS HER A HANDKERCHIEF.

DABBING AT HER EYES SHE LOOKS AT HER.


Thank you Ines. 

SHE GATHERS HER COMPOSURE.

Well that was lovely.  Just lovely.  Thank you ladies.
Well ...I must say what a turn out we’ve had for 2012 and this our fourth Alf Ip.Ip Ip.p..it..it.i..mus convention.

SHE PUTS HER HAND TO HER EAR AND WAITS FOR THE CROWD’S REACTION.

Crowd(shouting back)
Two Ips, a Pip and a Titimus

THEY ARE ALL IN GOOD SPIRITS CLAPPING AND CHEERING.

Blonde Lady
And it’s good to see some familiar faces here again.

SHE POINTS AT A YOUNG TURKISH WOMAN WHO CARRIES A TURKISH FLAG WITH ALF’S FACE EMBLAZONED ON IT. SHE WAVES IT PROUDLY IN THE AIR.      


Hi ya Rafat.
Now the buffet is ready but I must ask you all to please refrain from your 
Alf reenactments until the buffet’s been cleared.  I don’t want a repeat of last year.  

SHE SPOTS AN OLDER PERUVIAN WOMAN IN FULL COSTUME.  

DO WE MRS SANCHEZ.

MRS SANCHEZ LOOKS EMBARRASSED.  SOME OF THE CROWD START TO LAUGH.  THEY POINT AT HER.  THEIR PINTS OF BEER SLOSH AROUND IN THEIR GLASSES AS THEY DO AN IMPRESSION OF MRS SANCHEZ’S ALF IMPRESSION.  

BEER STARTS TO SPILL EVERYWHERE.

Blonde Lady
(Slightly worried she looks towards an older lady at the side of the bar)

Quick.  Rita get a mop and bucket 

MORE PEOPLE JOIN IN WITH THE IMPRESSIONS.  IT IS LIKE A DOMINO EFFECT AS PINTS OF BEER END UP ON THE FLOOR AS DO SOME OF THE CROWD.

SHE GLARES AT MRS. SANCHEZ WHO HAS MOVED TO SAFETY AT THE OTHER END OF THE ROOM. 

BEER AND BODIES COLLIDE WITH EACH OTHER.


Blonde Lady
Rita....Rita You might want to make that two.  Have you got that steam cleaner handy?

Crowd
Wahey Gerooof Phwaayyyyy